Posts from 10th January 2002

10
Jan 02

ARSE-HOLE SUN

I Hate Music2 comments • 1,179 views

ARSE-HOLE SUN

It has occured to me that in my spot-on skewering of the excrable Puddle Of Mudd on the sword of being Soundgarden copyists, that I haven’t really had an in depth discussion on why exactly Soundgarden were so so very very bad. I guess I kind of assumed that you – dear reader – would know. However I suppose there may be youngsters out there who have had the good fortune never to come across any of their chuntering tunes and therefore need proper warning. You see Soundgarden were heavy metals answer to Grunge.

It was the wrong answer. The correct answer to grunge (as it is to all music) is napalm.

You see when Kurt Cobain sung a song about underarm deoderant in 1990 little did he know he was going to change the world of rock forever. Little did he know that he had consigned the poodle rockers into the dustbin that they should have always been in. So far the man sounds like a genius yes? Well no because in the process he legitimised people wearing plaid shirts with lank hair playing a music so turgid it was named after a word which literally means “filth, dirt” (cf Chambers English Dictionary). However this left most heavy metal bands in a quandry. A quandry solved quickly by the manager of Soundgarden who took his hard rockers and swopped their leather jackets for plaid, and straightened their hair. “Write a nihilistic song about being miserable” he added – and Black Hole Sun was born.

Black Hole Sun is a metal tune. It has clunking cranking guitars and is very, very silly lyrically. “Black hole sun, won’t you come, and blow me away” shows a complete misunderstanding of what a black hole actually is. For it would not blow you away as it is an absolute gravity well. Instead of blowing, it sucks. A black hole sucks more than anything else in the universe. With the possible exception of Soundgarden themselves – who on this evidence are the suckiest thing in the many worlds theory of the universe. So sucky indeed that Kurt Cobain – having seen what he wrought – blew the back of his head out.

Soundgarden clomped along for a few more years, spawning themselves their own copyists like Alice In Chains, and they they were found out by the general public what – in an unusual fit of taste – stopped buying their records. So the last thing we need now is the nati-Soundgarden, a grunge band trying to be nu-metal like Puddle Of Mudd. AH the bitter irony.

Not only that Tom

New York London Paris MunichPost a comment • 284 views

Not only that Tom, but the AMA article is riddled with falsities and tantalising half stories. Destiny’s Child in so called matching beige tops when it is clear that Beyonce is in “band leader” brown. Did Aaliyah send a recorded acceptance message from beyond the grave? WHat on earth were the Dave Matthews band doing being nominated for Best Pop Act? But most urgent and key – what century did Michael Jackson win Artist of the Century for? Because if it is the 21st everyone else might as well pack up their instuments and go do something more productive. Like become scary circus clowns like Kiss.

New soul generation dominate American Music Awards

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New soul generation dominate American Music Awards: yes yes all very well but “Best Internet Artist: U2”? Best Internet Artist? What fresh nonsense is this? If they’d wanted to reflect what the Internet actually likes (god help it) it should have gone to the Laziest Men On Mars.

There’s a ghost in this (public) house.

Pumpkin PublogPost a comment • 469 views

There’s a ghost in this (public) house. Those who know him would agree that Tim Hopkins is a pub goer without equal. Despite an enforced absence from the cut and thrust of the pub scene of late he is a man you would never expect to commit a pub faux pas. So I was lost for words when last night after recently arriving in the Lord John Russell Tim spilt almost a full pint of Bombadier over our female companion. Not only did this make her smell rather hoppy – and trust me Bombadier reeks – but it also cause TIm more mortification than anything else I have ever seen. He is a man who is not prone to rash movements, and does not spill beer.

We moved, a new pint was bought and – apart from the lingering smell – little was made of this vexing occurance. Until quarter of an hour later, two other fellows with ale decide to sit on our own table. Literally within a minute – bang, splash! One of their pints went over. Can it be that the Lord John Russell is haunted by a beer spilling uppity ghost by the toilets. I think that is a far more plausible explaination than the alternatives. And pub ghosts rock – though they obviously have the upper hand in “you spilled my pint” kind of fights.

SOUNDGARDEN

I Hate MusicPost a comment • 250 views

SOUNDGARDEN

Weedy.

IHM LYRIC WATCH

I Hate MusicPost a comment • 402 views

IHM LYRIC WATCH

So Solid Crew featuring Mr Shabz – Haters

“So many haters don’t like us rakeing papers”

(And that is their spelling of raking from the delightful So Solid Crew dot co dot uk.)
Is Mr Shabz a parkie? A street cleaner like the light fingered but sorely missed Arthur Fowler from Eastenders? Are these Haters compulsive litterbugs? Because I can tell right now Mr Shabz, and the rest of the four hundred strong So Solid Crew, I am indeed one of those Haters you talk about and I do not have the slightest problem with you rakeing (sic) papers. Indeed you can sweep the whole damn street clean for all I care. Just don’t sing about it.

PUDDLE OF MUDD

I Hate MusicPost a comment • 292 views

PUDDLE OF MUDD

cf Soundgarden.

To be confused with similar sized and shaped brown things. Like pieces of shit.

I Hate Music Archives

New York London Paris MunichPost a comment • 329 views

I Hate Music Archives: this evening’s labours have been putting Tanya’s weblog in some kind of alphabetical order. It’s all* there, from the first tentative disses, through the page’s frequently hilarious golden age, to last year’s far too sporadic updates, and ending up with the current (hopeful) renaissance. Good on you Tanya H!

*not quite all. A couple of posts have vanished and one long stretch is going to be reprinted as an FT feature.