Posts from 11th October 2001

11
Oct 01

MICHAEL JACKSON – You Rock My World

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MICHAEL JACKSON – You Rock My World

Is that all you got? C’mon, show me what you got!

I’m not sure if this is all too new, but a “radio edit” version of the video has been spotted. Hopefully, you’ve lost 20 minutes of your life to the Ego of the King of Pop via the “director’s cut” of this monstrosity. Chris Tucker name checking Jacko’s previous hits during the plot portion of the video (“Oh, no, that girl is MINE!”), Michael Madsen (the Van Gogh afficionado from Reservoir Dogs) grousing and pouting and sweating like a graduate from the Richard Gere School of Emoting, Marlon Brando acting like a restrained Marlon Brando (which is still more surreal than Salvador Dali and a handful of cow eyeballs), and the King of Pop stroking, fingering his mangina and acting tough – I count about 25 knuckle cracks, and the ubiquitous broken glass rage that typifies the crescendo in any post-Thriller Michael Jackson joint. Never mind the fact that the song (oh yeah, this is a VIDEO, there should be a song in there somewhere) sounds like it’s a measure behind itself, with a chorus indistinguishable from the verses (which, thanks to Michael’s whispering, are barely distinguishable behind the yips and HO!s). Poot poot poot. Never mind that Michael is inching ever so closer to looking like one of Whitley Strieber‘s alien abducters. Never mind that his angular features make his dancing seem even more impressive / disturbing. Never mind that his voice sounds like it’s been rolled and molested by a vocoder and a ProTools software package.

Ah, just never mind. Right now, I’m only hoping that the lack of actual presence this single has (at least, on my side of the pond) is a good sign that Jacko’s purported return to the throne might be derailed until he actually, you know, does something worth noting. I’d rather hear Chris Tucker rerecord “Party All The Time”. Shamon indeed.

VAN MORRISON – Like A Jelly Roll

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VAN MORRISON – Like A Jelly Roll

Van The Man. What kind of nickname is that? Its as if he was so dull that the couldn’t think of any distinguishing factors of his personality to hang a sobriquet on. Truth is of course that a lot of people have been brought up with the ridiculous notion that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Suddenly the name Van The Man makes sense. Well, I have no such compunction.

Van Morrsion is a fat, curmudgeonly old Irish git – whose success lies squarely at the feet of Irish isolationism and racism. His version of red-eyed soul was the nearest the Republic got to Motown, which is to say that it was significantly distanced by an ocean in between. Adding more Celtic lyrical touches ended up with the boglands version of Joe Cocker wibbling pointlessly about shaking his tush in the moonlight, before losing it all completely on Astral Weeks. What is it about Irish popsters that compells them to write songs about dancing under the light of the moon? Surely a lack of light would be the only thing that would make the corpulent Morrison and the stick thin (and rotting significantly) Lynott look good.

Back to the Moondance album though, when Van was supposedly at the height of his powers – before he started doing Christian rhymes with Cliff Richard. It kicks off with “And It Stoned Me”, a song whose drug pretentions are so hidden that even a nun could work them out. But how – you ask – did this mythical substance stone Morrison? Well, it stoned him – and I quote – “Just like a jelly roll”. Suddenly it all makes sense why Van is so damn fat. A roll. Full of jelly. Lawks a lordy, I bet it isn’t a fruit set jelly either – more the scrapings off of the side of a tin of corned beef.

Of course Van, being the God botherer he is, could mean stoned in the biblical sense. The jelly roll line still makes no sense, but the fact that he was getting stoned by people who had bought his other records – and not for the first time. And its happy thoughts like that which will stop me from completely crucifying Morrison in the way he deserves.