JENNIFER LOPEZ - “Love Don’t Cost A Thing”

JENNIFER LOPEZ - “Love Don’t Cost A Thing”
With a chorus that’s a dead sonic ringer for “The Boy is Mine” and verse phrasing that’s a watered-down ripoff of Aaliyah’s far stronger “Try Again”, I damn well hope this song didn’t cost a thing to produce. Rarely is a supposedly new song such a blatant, half-assed retread of two other, better songs. Did she think we wouldn’t notice the leftover effect? She doesn’t even have a dope beat to step to!

And the entire premise — that Jenny doesn’t need to drive her honey’s Benz or spend his cash — is a bit disingenuous, coming from Puffy’s paramour. Maybe her love really don’t cost a thing, but at this point, there’s no way she — neither the real Jennifer Lopez, nor the character she portrays in the equally dreadful video, which I’ll get to in a minute — is going to have a loverman who isn’t at the same level of outrageous, lavish wealth. Face it, girly, your entire public life is all about conspicuous consumption. I don’t buy what you’re selling. As it were.

Just a few words about the video. Sometimes, a really well-done video can redeem even a really schlocky song. And sometimes, you have the video for this song. Lots of shots of Miss Lopez driving a fancy car, wearing lots of jewelry, looking dewy and gorgeous in expensive clothes, striding purposefully towards the beach and removing said clothes, blah blah blah. Then we get to the “breakdown” section, in which she leads a group of male dancers in a boring and unattractively choreographed dance routine. It’s been dropped in the video, presumably, to show off Jennifer’s dance skills, and to give the song a harder edge. It also makes no sense in the context of the video. Jennifer: if you want to see some really sophisticated, visually interesting girl plus a bunch of hunky boys choreography that’s been incoporated seamlessly into the structure of its video & song, take a look at the video for Madonna’s “Don’t Tell Me.” Now that’s a breakdown section.

GREAT POP QUESTIONS

GREAT POP QUESTIONS

Now I know Freaky Trigger is about to launch a oh so tiresome, ripped off of Q feature which answers all your queries about pop music. I know this because site owner Tom Ewing asked if I had any questions for this so called spurious Doctor of Pop. Apart from the obvious questions (how have you managed to live this long) one query has been nagging me for quite some time. Its a simple question, and one whose answer came to me in a trice.
Q. Who Let The Dogs Out?
A. Any fucker who had heard this abismal excuse for a novelty summer pop-ragga crossover. Anyone who had heard the Baha Men’s previous no mark career in soft back peddling Reggae. And especially anyone who has had to suffer through even a second of their current excuse for a single “You All Dat” (being all DAT is something Phillips and Sony were keen to stamp out in the early nineties by the way). However the phrase we are looking for here is not strictly called letting the dogs out. I think what we are after here is “Releasing The Hounds”.

They’re Grrrrr-eat.

They’re Grrrrr-eat. Sorry, it has just been brought to my attention that Tony the Tiger’s secret formula for the frosting on Frosties is not all that secret at all. It is sugar. Sorry if I confused anyone there. I have also been told that Sugar Puffs do not actually have little zips in them - which has worried me for some time.

On a tangent, but related, cereals are obviously a food group generally neglected in pubs. Are there any kinds of foodstuff which should be raring to enter the pub market but have never been tried. I am generally anti-food in pubs which do not come in small cellophane packages, but we are always open to suggestion.

On this matter. The Bring Back Brannigan The Butcher (and his paper bags) campaign starts here.

Pop Eye

Pop Eye - spinning off from NYLPM onto its own page, our weekly look at the charts. Now with a poll! Looks a bit rough round the edges but when we get the proper artwork up it’ll be splendid.

TEN SONGS WHICH WERE NOT WRITTEN BY THEY MIGHT BE GIANTS BUT WHICH WOULD NEVERTHELESS FIT INTO THEIR BENIGHTED CANON (and therefore Jonathon Ross’ record collection) WITH NARY A SECOND LOOK: 4. Mellow Marsh

A stab at psychedelia, which if psychadelia pressed charges would almost be reduced to “acting goofy with a deadly weapon”. Mellow Marsh cleverly transposes the two constituent words of marshmellow, to tell a story about Vietnam draft dodgers making out in a bit of swampy land whilst smoking what the song describes as Jazz Cigarettes. This being TMBG the tune does not get very explicit on the making out front - instead some feeble stab at inuenddo is made regarding “toasting on a stick” which is about as suggestive as saying your drink looks like a slug (though possibly true in TMBG case). Musically Mellow Marsh outstays its welcome by a good three minutes, and uses the idiots guide to psychadelia by employing a sitar, with accordian backing. Mellow Marsh has been taken up by the DEA as part of their war against drugs, as they manage to make them sound not only dull and uninspired but thoroughly geeky as well.

Armadillo saved.

Armadillo saved. I have to say after my post - which was fuelled much by noticing this obvious corrolary of the 1963 Weights & Measures Act - I may have gone too far. And Tim holds the secret of the Armadillo (in a sort of Tony The Tiger guarding the Frosties secret formula way) so I bow to his superior knowledge. Just banning the Lager Top has made my year. All that said I don’t think we are going to have roaming Trading Standards Officers closing down all the pubs in Essex.

Tom was right when he suggested that serving a drink where it is impossible to work out the abv - ie the proportion of alcohol in a drink - is illegal (though only with certain drinks. Indeed the only metered drinks are draught lager, cider, perry, stout and porter plus the four key spirits: vodka, gin, whiskey and rum. Anything else can be served in whatever measure they like. Oddly this rarely seems to happen.

I am with Tim on the campaign to save the light and bitter. A hoary old mans drink that it is, it does start the day off nicely. I fear it lacks converts in the younger generation due to its complexity. How much do you tip in at any one time. Is the aim to have a consistent head, or merely to traverse the taste spectrum from mainly bitter to mainly light ale. About ninety percent of central London bar staff would have no idea what one was if you asked for one these days.

Finally more ideas what to do on your own in a pub. Has nobody mentioned the jukebox? You can waste hours on that. I grant that it would not have helped Emma in Cargo - but this is a publog.

A batch of new stuff up at

A batch of new stuff up at Tangents - for my money the best is Mark Morris’ intelligent essay on - among others - Basquiat. There should I think be more classy British music zines - does anyone know of any others?